Break the Cycle: C.L.E.A.R. Tools to Stop Dating Violence at Any Age

Michelle Sideroff, LPC, Clinical Director

For many, the first time we experience dating is during our teen years. The trendy romcoms or Disney stories become a standard that drives beliefs about how or what is supposed to happen for romance to be legit.

Unfortunately, these stories are rifled with sexual violence and unhealthy dating practices. Statistically, our vulnerability to experience unhealthy or toxic dating is significant.

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 70% of women and 60% of men first experience partner violence under the age of 25.

Research shows dating violence happens to all genders, races, ethnicities, and intersectional identities. Our early dating experiences transition into adult dating years where we are vulnerable to believe that toxic pursuits are acts of attraction, pushing boundaries are signs of love, and consent is negotiable.

Research highlights some examples below of dating violence behaviors:

Physical Abuse: hitting, biting, shoving, hair pulling, pushes, scratching, restraining, or any physical force

Psychological: controlling, possessive, stalking, monitoring, manipulating, guilt tripping and isolating

Emotional Abuse: bullying, shaming, embarrassing, put downs on physical or character traits

Sexual Abuse: Uses force, pressure, or manipulation in sexual activity and, goes against consent

It is critical that we address dating violence to prevent unhealthy beliefs and patterns from becoming normalized.

Part of breaking trauma cycles is targeting intervention and prevention practices to lower the risk and shift what has been accepted.

Healthy romantic relationships are possible across all ages, but we must increase our ability to practice our own health dating skills to model safe and secure relationships.

Below is some guidance to help both build healthier connections and interrupt unhealthy dating.

C.L.E.A.R Dating Tools

Consent

Consent is an ongoing, mutual, and enthusiastic understanding between partners regarding their comfort levels with certain activities and boundaries in a relationship. It must be given and received without force, pressure, and/or manipulation.

Consent is reversible and yes to one action does not mean an automatic Yes to other intimacy acts.

If you are unclear on what your dating partner is comfortable with, then it is time to engage in communication. Use direct and specific language to ask for what you want or to check in, plus it is important to regularly ask.

Examples include:

“I’d really like to ____, would you be open to that?”
“Is this okay?” or “How do you feel about trying ____?”
“Are you still enjoying this?” or “Do you want to keep going?”

Limits

Dating involves knowing what your comfort levels are and having an understanding of what you are okay and not okay with in romantic relationships. If you are not sure of your limits, your partner is being placed in the guessing game.

Betterhelp highlights how healthy dating is built from the setting of the limits or boundaries early through a discussion on comfort levels, desires, and turn-offs beforehand. Do you know your limits and what your non-negotiables are?

If not, reflect on these questions:

How long do you need to talk to someone before setting the first date?
Where are you comfortable meeting a date/partner?
What level of touch and when feels most safe for you in dating?
What topics are uncomfortable or vulnerable information off limits at the start?
What are the sexual intimacy limits or precautions required?

Education & Awareness

We are not born with the dating playbook and it is okay to not know. It is essential though to learn about healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Depending on movies to set the standard for relationships will lead to questionable practices and unsuccessful outcomes for safety.

Many mental health agencies and community centers will offer workshops on relationships or sexuality that can add to the tool kit for safer and healthier relationships.

Education on red flags and green flags for connection syncs up with Awareness to help us determine when a relationship is not working.

The critical area of awareness is being able to identify warning signs with two purposes: awareness for protection and to be a healthy partner.

We need to be aware if we did not give consent to something and the person still moves forward against our “no” or uncertainty.

Anyone can commit a red flag behavior, but there is a difference between one red flag versus a pattern. And it must be emphasized not all red flags are created equal, some need to be relationship dealbreakers.

Here are some examples of red flags:

Love-Bombing: Intensity is not Intimacy, Rush of affection, gifts, or declarations early without really knowing you or checking in with you.
Accountability Issues: Never apologizing and blaming their “crazy” others/exes
Poor Communication: silence as a consequence, stonewalling, or ghosting
Crossing Boundaries: Ignoring “no,” pushy behavior, or guilt-tripping
Controlling Behaviors: Dictating and demanding things or how you behave
Fragile Ego: Extreme insecurity, emotional extremes, or constant need for validation.
Inconsistent: Words do not match actions

Responsiveness

According to the National Library Of Medicine, people who experience responsiveness with their partners report a higher quality of relationships, life satisfaction, and closeness.

Responsiveness is a two way street for relationships where a partner needs to be responsive to you and you need to be responsive to what you are experiencing.

When you say you’re uncomfortable, does the partner adapt? If you share that you are allergic to gluten, do they find a restaurant that meets your body’s sensitivity?

If you are experiencing concerns, your body will prompt emotional and nervous system responses to inform you whether it feels safe or wary.

When someone is ignoring your communication and needs, they are showing signs of disregard and disrespect. In response to any red flags, you can be responsive and let it be a dealbreaker.

With C.L.E.A.R, dating can be fun and safe!

Resources

Michelle Sideroff, LPC, is a trauma-informed therapist and former Clinical Director at the Rape Crisis Center of New Mexico with over a decade of experience in non-profit mental health. She specializes in helping survivors of sexual and complex trauma navigate healing through attachment-based and neurobiological frameworks. Michelle is dedicated to the belief that every individual has the right to be safe, well, and supported in their journey toward healthy relationships.

Learn more about Michelle.