Register for Boundaries: RSVP to a Healthier Relationship Workshops here

 Michelle Sideroff, LPC

We enter grade school learning our alphabet and we end high school with the passing of core education topics, but we likely do not get schooled on relational skills such as boundaries.

We are in relationships our whole life, but we are often expected to “fake it until we make it” or depend on movies or stories for relationship guidance.

From our childhoods, we witness the extremes of Princess or Witch and the Prince or the Villain as visualizations of how characters assert themselves with control versus having healthy relational power with boundaries. 

We are not expecting every story to have a depiction of solid boundaries, but the lack of information and dependence on visual media means we may be repeating unhealthy patterns of control or dependency. 

And when we repeat what has been modeled, we may not know when we are also engaging in poor responses or reactions to other’s relational limits.

Setting Boundaries

When we are struggling with setting boundaries, we can often find ourselves in trauma bonding relationships or connections with high codependency issues that become breeding grounds for resentment, mistrust, people pleasing, and development of physical health issues. 

When we have a hard time setting limits, the body will find a way.  As a starting point, let’s go over what are boundaries and how do you know when you need to use them.  

Relational Boundaries

First, what are relational boundaries?  Boundaries are emotional, physical, sexual, and mental limits that set a parameter of what a person identifies as safe, secure, or in sync to their capacities. 

Boundaries can be shaped by culture, context, personalities, and gender.  Boundaries can differ from person to person and can be different across environments. 

Boundaries appropriate to the work setting may be different than when you are at home.  Boundaries are actions of empowerment that do not become actions of control.

Self-Awareness

Secondly, the initial start to any boundary setting is dependent on self-awareness.

Do you know when you are having an unmet need or you are not okay with a situation. The two major signs for when boundaries are not in sync with us are emotional and physical responses. 

Emotionally, we can start to feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, alienated or resentful.

Physical signs of unhealthy boundaries are fatigue, sickness, muscle tensions, headaches, stomach issues, pain or the body feeling “off”. 

Emotional and body responses are the impact zones that are our feedback to the state of our boundaries. 

When we are not setting limits, honoring our values, nor prioritizing our needs, it will have a ripple effect into both the state of our bodies and our relationships, which can further exacerbate the stress levels. 

If you would like to learn more about boundaries, join us in our virtual workshop on Tuesday, May 22 or in-person workshop on Saturday, May 31. 

I look forward to working with you on building healthier relationships.